For Love and For Duty
by ilexia86
Summary: A ME3 filler piece after Shepard visit Kaidan one last time before he was discharged from the Huerta Hospital. Written in the POV of Kaidan. Shepard convinced Kaidan to take up the Spectre role and the story begins right after Shepard left. Please R&R!
1. Accepting in the name of Duty

"Councilor Udina, I will accept the Spectre offer." I announced it as the first thing I said when I walked into Councilor Udina's office. I was discharged from Huerta Hospital, just a few days after Commander Shepard dropped by to visit me and she headed on to Tuchanka.

Udina shot up an eye brow, taking a long, hard look at Major Kaidan Alenko, before tossing the datapad that he was poring over, onto his desk. "Really? What changed your mind?" He paced over towards Kaidan who's settling in on the sofa, while taking two shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey to join him.

"It's a huge responsibility, Sir. After weighting the definite pros and cons, I feel that I could help advance humankind's goals and make the galaxy a better place." It's a little corny but it is also the truth that I genuinely believe in. Okay, but perhaps not the entire reason. Initially I wasn't sure or confident that I could take on this huge responsibility. Especially after witnessing the immense stress and politicking that Shepard had to deal with. It's a whole new ball game together, being a soldier _and_ a Spectre.

However, the encouragement that Shepard gave me in the hospital made me feel more confident at this task. I innately smiled; she _always_ has such an effect on the people around her. No matter whether she's chasing after Saren, the Collectors or now finding ways to deal with the Reapers, she always does it with such drive and determination. And in the face of that, people just can't help but push themselves a little more. After all, her strong character is what makes me fall in love with her in the first place. Okay, maybe a little due in part of her sexy curves too, but that's not the point.

However, Udina need not know all my reasons, I will just give him a stock, politically correct answer and be done with it.

Udina doesn't look entirely convinced. He poured a glass of whiskey for me, then for himself. Regardless of what he thinks, he doesn't seem to push for an answer. His eyes darkened a little as if he's swarming with God-knows-what little schemes he has in his head. He suddenly lit up, laughed and gave me a good hard pat on my shoulders. "That's great to know, boy! I knew you would eventually come around!" Udina poured another glass for himself and lifted it up, "To Mankind!" I smiled uneasily and wordlessly toast to that. _To Shepard._

As I walked down towards my rented apartment at the Presidum, my head hung low deep in thought. All in all, this has all happened rather quickly. Udina gave me a quick briefing about being a Spectre 101, what to expect and handed me some compulsory training programmes that I need to attend before the big Ceremony. I cringed at the thought of that. _A Spectre Inauguration Ceremony? Never a big fan to be in the limelight._ The thought of standing in front of thousands of people and a solemn spotlight following me as I marched across the stage… I shivered at the thought of that. _Crowd, noise and lights don't go well with me at all._

All my life I only thought to dedicate myself fully to the Alliance, I count myself lucky to be even promoted to Major. I started off being nowhere else to go and just wanting to make my dad proud. Never in my dreams that I thought I could achieve as much as Shepard. I can't help but foolishly smile when I think about her. As going-to-be-Spectre and Major, I effectively outrank her now.

I'm not someone who likes to wave around my rank or care about it as much, given that I pursued her even when she's my higher ranking officer. _Regs be damned_, I thought, _after that night at Ilos, I had sooner threw the manual out of the airlock. _

But I still have a man's ego; I feel the need to be able to provide for her if ever she wants to take a break from everything in the future. I snorted a little at that notion. _In the future?_ We only managed to sort things out regarding Horizon and established an uneasy budding friendship. Marrying her and starting a family seems like such a foolish distant dream given with the current situation and uncertainties. I don't even know if she wants to settle down, but I would respect her if she doesn't want to. However… A man can dream right?

I sighed as I pulled out my omni-tool and my apartment door slide open. I plopped down onto bed without so much as changing out of my uniform. Exhausted from all this thinking... I really wish to be there with her now at Tuchanka…

With that, I closed my eyes and drifted off to blissful sleep, hoping that at least in my dreams, I can wrapped my hands around her, in a sweet warm embrace.


	2. Accepting in the name of Love

Beep beep. Beep Beep. I frowned as I fumbled for my terminal. Who is calling me at this hour? Okay, fine, it's technically 9pm as I glanced at the clock, but that doesn't mean I like people disturbing my sleep.

"Hello?" I answered, my voice a little more groggy than I wanted it to be, "Who's that?"

"Hey Kaidan?" A familiar voice drifted from the terminal, "I'm sorry, did I disturb you?"

"Oh, it's you, Doctor Amethia." I sat up, rubbing my eyes, "It's okay, what's up?"

"I just saw the news!" She squealed and I cringed a little. "You are going to be a Spectre! Why didn't you tell me earlier in the hospital?"

"Erm… Yea, I kind of just decided. I wasn't sure so I didn't mention it." I tried to reply politely, rubbing my temples.

Doctor Amethia was someone my marine friend introduced to me at Flux when I was trying to get absolutely wasted 3 years back. I was trying to drown out the repeated dreams of Shepard after the Normandy crash. She also turns out to be the lead doctor of the Biotic division that I'm now in charge. Talking to Amethia helps a little. She obviously knows how much Shepard's death affects me, so she doesn't ever mention her during our conversations. It was a good distraction but I don't particularly like or dislike her. If there's any feelings involved, it would only be friendship and guilt. I feel like I used her just to get over Shepard's death, even though I really only hang out with her privately for a few times over the years. I tried to keep it as professional as possible.

"We need to celebrate!" Her higher pitch tone snapped me back to reality. She grinned widely, "Want to meet up for dinner at Apollo's? I know the boss there so we could get good seats!" I was about to decline when she continued, "Come on, I did nursed you back to health! You do owe me a dinner for that!"

"Okay, okay." I said, smiling a little defeatedly. "See you at 10?" She grinned, said a giddy yes, the call ended. I slowly walked towards the shower and my stomach chose to growl at this moment. I shrugged. _Might as well._

I appeared at Apollo's café at 10 sharp, in a decent pair of black pants, with a properly ironed blue collared shirt. I strongly believe in dressing up than down when meeting a lady. It's more respectful to her that way.

"Kaidan, over here!" Doctor Amethia waved, she was sitting right next to the balcony that overlooks the Presidum fountain. She sure wasn't kidding when she said it's good seats. It's such a beautiful sight that I wish Shepard is here to see it with me.

"You are such a sight for sore-eyes!" She giggled as I sat down. "They have really good steak here." And my stomach growled in response to that. _Way to go for making me embarrassed, stupid stomach._ And it growled a little louder in defiance.

She laughed and waved for the waiter.

As we settled in nicely, enjoying the view and the food, she talked about how proud she is to know a Spectre and how her little pet experiments on me helped to draw up her new thesis.

"Is that what those disgusting concoctions that you forced me to drink were for?" I laid down my utensils as I finished through my third steak. "To test out whether there are any adverse side effects on migraines?"

"Awww, come on! Those concoctions are beneficial at best, harmless at worst. I would never made you drink in anything that would make your migraines worst. I just won't reveal the ingredients no matter how much you begged." Her giggling eased and she looked at me seriously, "Hey, can I ask you a question?"

Uh-oh, I know her when she asked this way. It's definitely going to be tricky. "Sure, talk to me." I picked up my glass of wine to drink, trying to ease my nerves.

"Was the red-haired lady who visited you this Tuesday, the famous Commander Shepard?" I almost spilled my drink at that. "So she is!" She exclaimed, leaning back in defeat while crossing her arms.

_Wine in my nostrils isn't fun._

"Weren't you off on Tuesdays?" I asked, trying to sidestep the question. I wasn't sure how much civilians should know that Shepard is still alive. With all the ongoing rumors of her and Cerberus.

"I was, but I came by to pick up my test results and to feed you your last dose of concoction before you get discharged." As if the lemon in her drink had gotten extremely offending, she proceeded to kept poking it to death with her straw. She continued, "You know how Huerta Hospital wards are. They aren't exactly private when the walls are see-through."

I gulped the rest of the wine down and settled it gently on the table. After some thought, I looked straight into her eyes and said, "…Yes, she is." _No use hiding it,_ I decided. Thinking it's a good chance to bring it up, I thought of the best way to put it across. "I knew she was alive when I was posted to Horizon last year."

"I guess I don't need to ask why she's still alive, must be classified and all. But… Is she… still important to you? I mean, not just because she's your CO, but important in your life?" She asked as she straightened up for my answer.

I know Doctor Amethia have certain feelings for me, but I was a coward. I have gently tried to nudge her in the direction that I didn't have any special feelings for her, but she chose to ignore all those signals. Once when I tried to decline her politely, she would squeeze her eyes shut and covered her ears, muttering about how she couldn't hear what I'm saying. So I know what she truly meant by that question.

"…Yes, she is important to me." I tried to answer carefully, "Be it now, or 3 years back. I never really truly got over her. I don't think I will ever be. Amethia, I –"

Amethia hold up her hand to ask me to stop. She proceeded to pour herself a full glass of wine and gulped it all down. She looked at me with a pained expression. She blinked it away and looked down on her glass before she continued, "I knew it. I just chose not to face the facts. No matter where I take you out on the Citadel, you always seem so lost in thought, perhaps drunk in the memory of her."

She looked at my puzzled reaction, poured herself another glass and drank it all, "You mean you didn't notice?" She laughed at that mockingly, "I know. Of course I know. I always have my eyes on you. The way you looked out at the view at Zakera Wards. Your pained expression whenever people mentioned about the Heroine of the Citadel, the great Magdalene Shepard. Even more recently, the way you looked at her when she came to visit you at the hospital."

"I never get that tender expression of yours, even when I hang on to you desperately through these years. I know you are careful not to say anything to lead me on, but I always hoped that you can get over her and looked at the person who's accompanying you all along." She sighed deeply and finished her 3rd glass of wine. "…But she came back."

She paused for a moment, willing herself not to cry. "I know humanity and the galaxy needs her now more than ever but…" She trails off with a sad expression. "As I was standing outside your ward looking at both of you talking…. I… I realize I was never even in the picture in the first place…"

"Seriously…" She laughed bitterly, "You two should get a room and snog it off." She wiped away her tears and forced a smile, "I will be okay, Kaidan." She gently pat my hand, "So don't look so guilty. I was just holding all these in for 3 years and it's hell of a high time for me to scream at you for being so ignorant."

"I'm sorry." I muttered, feeling intensely guilty at this moment.

"Don't you know me better than simply saying Sorry?"

"…Thank you, Amethia." There's nothing much I could say at this point for fear of hurting her. I can only squeeze her hand and repeat, "Thank you."

"That's better. Now that we get it out of the way…" She sniffed and resumed her cheerful guise, "What should I wear for your important ceremony?" She gave me a look and said indignantly, "What? I'm not even entitled to go to your inauguration as a friend and fellow colleague?"


	3. The Spectre Inauguration Ceremony

The last few weeks were crazy. I don't remember Shepard needing to go through all that training and lessons on what is expected out of a Spectre. Don't I just take a gun, shoot at whatever the Council wants it to be pointed at? Okay, fine, _nothing_ is ever that simple. But when does Accounting ever got to do with being a Spectre?

Nothing is as bad as the predicament that I'm in now though. Here I am, fully decked out in a heavily starched white formal Marine uniform, with a decorative sword clasped on my belt. I'm sitting on a bench backstage, hands supporting my head as I slumped towards my legs.

_Only30 minutes before being fed to the sharks._

Sure, Udina forced me to go through media training. I know I don't have the grace like Shepard did to handle media like Khalisah al-Jilani. Shepard played her like a flute and handled her tough questions like water sliding off the back of a duck.

_If Al-jilani ever approach me, I might just punch her. Okay, correction. Punch her mentally. I don't like to be violent to be civilians, much less women._

_But all those media training, tone corrections, painful repeats and regurgitations on what to say during my inauguration (pun intended!) speech seems to be thrown out of the window. By my nerves. _

_Does Shepard feel all this whenever she needs to give an inspiration speech to her crew?_

I almost jumped when I heard the back door slide open. Doctor Amethia and a small group of my biotic students walked in.

"Woah woah woah, lookie here. Hot stuff coming right up~" She walked over and checked me out throughly. I sweared she looked at my back a few more seconds than she ought to. My other students are laughing and cat-calling at the side. "You should wear this more often."

She looked around, "She's not coming?" _I know who she's referring to. _I pulled myself up from the bench and adjusted my beret in front of the floor length mirror, "No, she isn't. She has more important things to do."

"That's what you get for dating the Heroine of the galaxy." She smiled. "Always out to save damsels in distress, or whatever the alien equivalent."

_I'm not actually going out with Shepard._ _Though I gave my all to hint to Shepard that I'm still very keen on continuing the relationship with her. _She seems to reciprocate but there's always one more important mission than to settle this right now. Shepard and I always place duty first. However, I wished I could step away and give this inauguration ceremony a miss, just to be with her. But Udina insisted that it is very important to give mankind, even the galaxy, something to look forward to and celebrate for. After all, when Shepard became the first human Spectre, there was no official ceremony whatsoever given the urgency of her mission back then.

"15 mins before heading out! Get yourself a glass of water, you look positively pale, Major Alenko." The Asari coordinator looked at me before she head back out to stage.

"That's our cue to get back to our seats, people. Go!" Amethia clapped a few times for my students' attention and they walked off backstage after each of them gave me a high five to congratulate me. "Just breathe, Kaidan." As Amethia looked back at me, "Shake hands, smile, accept token, and a quick speech. It will be over before you know it. Or if you want, I have this really nice concoction that can soothe out your nerves."

I shaked my head vehemently, "Erm… Thanks but no thanks." _I rather die than drink that nasty shit again._ After promising she will take a lot of photos and vids, Amelia left the backstage excitedly. I'm left alone to fight an intense battle with my nerves, when my omni-tool started to beep. _I thought I switched it off to silent_, I frowned. As I looked up on who's calling, I realized it's a call from the Normandy. I patched it up immediately and turns out it's a vid call. _I just never thought she would call._


	4. For Love and for Duty

I can recognise that vivid crimson red hair anywhere. Her contrasting, stormy blue eyes and her luscious full lips… Her beautiful freckles that I used to tease her a lot for. The little scar just above her left eye that she has, in her own words, 'Trophy from the Skyllian Blitz'. Magdalene Shepard. I didn't notice I was holding my breath as I take in all her beautiful features until I started choking a bit.

"You're looking good, Major Alenko! How are you doing?" Shepard smiled with her signature half little grin that I always loved and dreamed of. She looked really exhausted, wearing her informal Alliance uniform, and in a very rare occasion, she let her long hair down. She seems to be in her own cabin.

"A giant dose of jitters, Commander. Thousands of people watching are one thing, but in front of billions on live cast is another. I had rather face a Reaper any day." I rolled my eyes and answered sheepishly.

She laughed and some of her fringe falls over to her face. It made her looked so beautiful and sexy. I longed to be by her side to brush the fringe up for her. As if in response to my thoughts, she brushed the fringe up securely behind her ear and said, "Well, I was just dodging lasers from a Reaper a few hours ago, so between that and a live cast…" She gave a thoughtful pause and laughed, "Okay, Reapers does sound like a better deal."

"Dodging lasers?" I frowned. _Why does she always go off and do something crazy like that?_ "Sounds like we have a lot of catch up to do when you get back. Have you finished what you have to do on Tuchanka?"

"Yea, almost. We managed to secure the alliance with the Krogans and the Turians. It's an uneasy one but better than nothing. Now we are just wrapping things up and straightening out any loose ends. We will be back to the Citadel in a few days' time." She frowned a little. It seems like mentioning Tuchanka brought out something painful in her.

"What's wrong, Shepard?" I asked, full of concern.

"Oh? Nothing. Just a bit exhausted from all that running." She feigned a smile, "Joker is running the live cast all over the Normandy and **everyone** on the ship is watching." I groaned at that notion of that, she grinned wider and continued, "They are having a betting pool on which part of the ceremony that you would embarrass yourself at."

"Wait, so they all believe I will **definitely** do something stupid at some point?" I asked incredulously. She nodded, laughed at my expression and added, "I personally bet 100 credits that you would trip after finishing your speech."

"Gee… Thanks for the vote of confidence, Commander." I sighed. My nerves aren't helping me one bit.

She eased up and got closer to the video camera. "Hey, don't be so nervous. A group of heroes once took down Sovereign, a speech is nothing." She paused for a moment and continued, "Let me teach you a trick I always use when I have the pre-speech jittery."

"What trick?" My curiosity piqued.

"It's a trick my mother taught me before I went up for my N7 graduation speech. I'm not going to ask you to rehearse your speech again, though that's the most effective. But anyway, before you start talking, close your eyes and breathe in. Steel your nerves and filter out all the people, the noise and the lights. Concentrate on your breathing. Exhale and open your eyes. Imagine you are presenting all your beliefs and ideas to just one person in the room that you wish to convince the most."

Our call was then interrupted by the same Asari coordinator who shouted, "1 minute, Alenko! Get ready!"

I gave Shepard's advice a thought and turn back to the vid call, "I will try. Thanks Commander."

She smiled, "There you go, Major Alenko. You will do just fine. Nothing is impossible. Shepard out."

And she's gone. _Nothing is impossible_ has always being a firm maxim for her. It is not just a half ass thing that people comes out to console people with or some stupid hologram commercial. It has always being much more believable coming from her because she really lives by that motto.

_Always overcoming the seemingly impossible odds._ She became the first human Spectre, defeated Sovereign, heck, even coming back from the dead, destroyed the Collectors' base without so much as losing a single crew in the Omega 4 relay. She takes all these in stride as if it's the most natural thing to do in the galaxy. And for that, people gravitate towards her, humans or aliens alike, seduced by her intense charisma and powerful leadership.

But under all that, she is still a normal compassionate woman who yearns for love and acceptance. There are also times where she doubts herself but circumstances do not allow her to falter one bit. She never forgets all those people who sacrificed themselves as part of the consequences from the many difficult decisions she had to face. Jenkins… Ash… Even the 8 human cruisers that was shot down during the Citadel Battle. Perhaps even all the lives back in the Bahak system.

_I want to be there to catch her if she falls. I want to create a safe place for her to rest when she buckles under the immense pressure. I want her in my arms and whisper in her ear that everything is going to be fine. It is hard not to be in love with a woman like that…._

I pulled myself up from the bench and marched right towards the edge of the stage. Udina was just finishing up his introductory pitch about me and I straightened up when I hear the cue… "And here I present to you, the 2nd human Spectre in our entire galactic history, Major Kaidan Alenko!" Immediately, it was followed by a wild round of applause and cheers that erupted from the audience.

_This is it._ I thought as I stepped onto the stage. _Nothing is impossible._


End file.
